Terminology

Last week in Engineering Cell Biology we learned about ligands in mammalian signaling pathways called Desert Hedgehog, Indian Hedgehog, and, of course, Sonic Hedgehog.

This week while programming I learned that when working with an empty matrix, text objects have no children.

What's next?

Two experiences

The Twilight Zone: getting to campus by 7:00 or 7:30 and being the only one around. Going into my office area and seeing only empty cubicles. An earily timeless.

Hell: I went to the fitness center at my apartment complex and, like the office, was the only one there. Except at the fitness center, the tv was on and tuned to a sports talkshow with the volume up and the remote NOWHERE to be found. I could feel my brain cells dying.

Life update

My apologies, faithful readers, for the lack of posts. Graduate school, it turns out, is not all fun and games. I suddenly find myself lacking in free time, sleep, and a social life. At the moment I'm frustrated because it is a GORGEOUS fall day outside, and I'm inside pecking away at this computer.

If you've time to burn, you can see a bit of what I live in at these sites:
- The Dahl Lab
- The Davidson Lab
- PhD Comics

Snapshot

Determination or desperation?

Saturday morning. Left the office last night at 7PM--the wild friday night of a graduate student. Started work at 8 this morning. At 11, still enjoying coffee and pajamas. Programming a model of bidirectional microtubule motion due to dynamic transitions of mutated Ncd molecular motors. Mmmm...

An observation

Science fiction and, more specifically, Hollywood, has a theme of the world becoming more mechanical. More specifically, of biology becoming more mechanical. The Matrix, Star Trek, the Terminator series, and others all have this theme. I myself joked that I'd invent the Borg for my PhD research. 

But the theme is false to reality. In fact, the opposite is more true. Rather than biology moving towards machinery, machinery is becoming more biological. Computer interfaces better reflect the traits of the user. Medical solutions are less mechanical/surgical and more therapeutic. Electronic communication includes text, sound, and images. 

This is a profoundly good trend because it keeps people closer to their humanity. And it will only get stronger. The mechanical things that are visible in everyday life will continue to become less and less apparent. 

And now I need to stop "philosophizing" and get back to work (or perhaps this is my real work?...).

Thursday's weather forecast

Busy, with a chance of snow.

SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is October. I'm used to October being hot, dry, and windy. Not snowy. Snow is the cotton balls on fancy Christmas decorations, not a reality. Snow is the stuff in movies that apparently is cold, because people wear coats when in it. Snow is necessary for a snow cone on a hot fall day in California. But surely it can't be real.

I'm excited, can you tell?

Journal analogies

Cell :: NYT
Nature :: CNN
Science :: USA Today (pie charts!)
Journal of Cell Biology :: Washington Post
Tissue Engineering :: Pittsburgh Post-Gazette

The google home page today is...

...BRILLIANT. I will be geeking out about it all day!

Life update

My thanks, faithful readers, for visiting this blogs. In the blogosphere, "never have so many said so little with so much," so I am particularly grateful you choose to come here. I attached a hit counter and found this site gets 10-15 hits a day. Enough to make me excited.

- Yesterday, I was in someone else's house/apartment for the first time in two months. That's moving to a new city for you.
- Yesterday, I met the wonderful group of people, the kind you meet and immediately know you should spend time around them.
- Yesterday, I saw for the first time in my life trees in the countryside changing colors.
- Yesterday, I was assigned an advisor (and today, a cubicle). My life as a graduate student begins to take form.
- Yesterday, I had an incredible conversation with an incredible friend, as we sought to understand an incredible God.

Yesterday was a good day.

Writing

Mine isn't the best, but I'm working on it. What I'm noticing now is the appalling lack of good writing in scientific literature. Each week for classes I read around five journal articles, from Nature to Cell to Tissue Engineering. I estimate that, on average, only one out of every five is well written. One. That leaves four mediocre or poorly written articles. Such lack of quality goes a long way towards defeating the purposes of publishing said articles in the first place. Great research isn't much use if it's indecipherable. I suspect the following to be key contributing factors:

- Lack of training. My training at UCI was abysmal. The few writing requirements were inevitably devoid of feedback. Many faculty and TAs were incapable of providing the needed feedback, or, worse, simply did not care.
- Lack of interest. I wish every scientist could delight in good writing. Yet all too many students and faculty seem simply not to care.
- The status quo. Poor writing quality is all but ubiquitous in scientific journals. Not that there aren't plenty of instances of good writing, but rather that the sheer quantity of bad writing has set a low standard.

This is a problem. And it won't "just go away." So here's to working towards improved training, increased interest, and better standards.

Only in bioengineering...

Our homework for Engineering Molecular Cell Biology class involves calculating the drag forces on a human sperm. Turns out sperm can be modeled as spheres.

Now you know.

Lightbulbs

Someday I want to start a company. To do that, I need an idea. A good one. And once in a long (LONG) time, a light bulb turns on and I find myself with what seems a good idea, but inevitably find myself a few years (or decades) too late, or find that it's really not such a good idea after all. A few days ago I thought I had a winner, but that particular light bulb isn't looking too bright at the moment. On first appearances it was great, but is now turning out to be the wrong shape, size, wattage, and color, and the need I was trying to meet could be better filled by a paper clip than a light bulb. [To twist the metaphor even more...] Thomas Edison said of his unsuccessful attempts to build a light bulb that he did not fail 1000 times, but found 1000 ways not to make a light bulb (well, maybe he didn't say that, but plenty of random blogs and forums on the internet have him quoted like that, so it must be true). So, this first idea is Un-Light Bulb #1. That leaves 999 to go.

First taste of fall

Fall is all but a novelty to me. In CA we have two seasons, and summer lasts about nine months. Today in Pittsburgh it was 54 degrees, rainy, and windy. I LOVE IT!

I took these pictures on the first day of fall, last week.

                                                        A lone red tree on the far bank

The Path

Not about fall, but amazing anyway. This is an old railway car used at US Steel to carry molten iron. Not it's on display.

Quotable

All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, to make it possible. This I did.

- T.E. Lawrence, Seven Pillars of Wisdom

(Sidenote)

I've opened up blog commenting to anyone, rather than just those with Blogger or gmail accounts. Don't forget to leave your name!

On love & neighbor (passing a bum)

That's chapter one of Stan Gaede's book, An Incomplete Guide to the Rest of Your Life. An excellent book by an excellent man. I recommend it. Living in Pittsburgh, I find myself with more opportunities to see and live what Stan wrote about. 

I was walking along Forbes Avenue this afternoon, an interesting place with a lot of shops, a lot of cars, and a lot of people. Mostly students, but all sorts of people. One man caught my attention. Forty or fifty years old, dirty, long scruffy hair and beard, a coat, no shirt, threadbare pants, bare feet.

That man was my neighbor. Never seen him before, maybe never see him again, but as I saw him this afternoon, he was my neighbor. And turns out Jesus had something to say about neighbors. Something that continuously transforms this broken world. Not a something born of evolution, nor of the culture around me. But something about love. And, despite my best efforts, I keep finding that love works. Love is not God, but God is love.

So what can I do for something like this man I saw today? Maybe a little, maybe a lot. I don't know all his needs (though I don't need to), though I can guess a few. Food. Warmth. Conversation. Eye contact. The freedom to live his humanity. Stan describes him this way:

"A man who cannot repay me. Who doesn't know me from Adam. But is of Adam. Who may indeed squander what I have given him, and thereby replicate the way I squander God's gifts to me almost every day. But who will, at least for a moment, see Jesus in action, whether he knows it or not. And so will I."

"Whatever you did for one of the least of these,...you did for me."

And today, today I failed to do something for Jesus. And I failed the man on the street. So I am grateful for forgiveness, and I look forward to next time.

G20, Day 2

It is, finally, over. Pittsburgh is returning to normal, as politicians and protestors return to their domains. WSF estimated 50,000 protestors, whose greatest accomplishments seemed to be broken windows and overturned trash cans. The power of the people.

Amid a variety of conclusions, the leaders agreed to coordinate economic growth policies. Obama called it groundwork. The French president, Sarkozy, called it a revolution. Vive la revolucion, hein? Anyway--I just hope the plan proves effective.

G20, T - 0

The G20 is under way!

- Greenpeace got the first headlines after hanging an 80' x 30' sign from a bridge near downtown
- I attended a speech by Australia PM Rudd a few hours ago
- I rode my bike within a mile from where the Big Twenty were having dinner
- Protests are under way, as are the rubber bullets and the pepper spray.
- Anarchists staged a well organized march against capitalism, while wearing black hoodies. Clever, that.
- Overhead looks like a scene from Star Wars for all the helicopters.
- God bless the G20. No, really, I mean God bless the G20. This is an unbelievably powerful group of people. We will always the poor, but we will also work towards good economics. Hopefully that happens in this, the third installment of the Group of Twenty.

The Wall Street Journal posted a good slideshow, if you want pictures.

G20, T - 1 day

Bill Gates was on campus yesterday. But that's not the highlight.
Google CEO Eric Schmidt is in Pittsburgh today, and that's not the highlight.

The G20 come to town tomorrow. That's the highlight. And already:
- Some streets are closed
- Fences and concrete barriers have been set up
- Helicopters hover overhead continuously
- Security is all over campus; I'm writing from the student center, and there are security/cops/guys with guns and serious expressions everywhere

Will keep you "posted"

Motivation

Another of the many, many, MANY reasons why biomedical engineering (BME) is worthwhile: the first-year cost of a liver transplantation in 1999 was $314,000, plus $21,900 per year after that (Lysaght and O'Loughlin, 2000). That's a lot of money! A LOT of money. Obamacare aside, BME solutions such as a tissue-engineered liver could make huge dents in those numbers, not to mention making treatment available for the many thousands of people who die every year waiting for a liver transplant.

Motivation should never, ever be lacking in BME. Of all the researchers I've met, I perhaps hold the greatest respect for those who are properly motivated.

How to instill trust

I found the following quote on the website of "Prospec Protein Specialists" while researching recombinant growth factors for bone tissue engineering applications.

"Growth factors are simply what their name implies, the responsible of cellular growth, If by differentiation or by cellular proliferation. Growth factors are type of proteins and they serve to regulate the body processes in the cellular level."


Come on, people, if you want to sell your product, at least hire a decent translator. Freetranslation.com does not qualify.

Pittsburgh and the G20

1. The Wall Street Journal published an interesting article on the G20 and Pittsburgh, which meet next week. It gives a good sense of where Pittsburgh is at, and where it's come from. I've only lived here six weeks, but slowly I understand this city better. It's exciting to have the G20 come here, but beyond that, there's a lot of interesting dialogue going on. This article gives a good overview. Take a look.

2. As my dad pointed out, the usual riots and protests associated with the G20 may seem rather tame in comparison to Pittsburghers' reactions to Steelers games.

3. On Thursday I will be seeing Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd speak at CMU.

4. One more thing: being in a field that regularly relies on animal testing, I can assure you that CMU/BME will be on lockdown next week. Thanks to animal testing, animal rights protesters can protest for years longest than they would otherwise live.

Some things I just don't understand--part 1

(A blog should not be a rant. Unfortunately, mine may appear that way today.)


I'm going to invest in hearing aids. My generation is destroying their hearing. A few days ago in the library, I was (supposedly) working on an article review for biomaterials class. A girl was sitting thirty feet behind me, and I could hear her music loud and clear--and it was playing through ear buds. That is way past the point of causing damage and I ask: why would you actively destroy something so amazing, so valuable, so important to everyday life, as your hearing? I've studied the ear in previous classes, and it is an absolutely astonishing system. It's worth protecting. So if you think it's "uncool" to plug your ears when something is too loud, you're wrong. Uncool is the shortsightedness of damaging yourself.

I don't know why that girl was doing that to herself. She's certainly not the only one. But I have the feeling she will regret it in the not-too-distant future. Knowing what I do about hearing loss, I probably had a responsibility to say something to her (though whether she could have heard me is another matter). In that sense I did wrong, because I didn't say anything--I just got annoyed at being distracted from studying. I'm sorry for that. But I do wish she and people like her would make better decisions.

Learn more here.

A incomplete view of "my" town.

Where they speak Pittsburghese.

Where football is worshipped, and locals riot where the Steelers win.

Where I live on the site of what used to be the most important steel mil in the world.

Every day is an adventure.

My country, 'tis of thee...

Where "Obama calls Kanye West a jackass."

...of thee I sing.

Sports

One thing I was looking forward to on moving to Pittsburgh was being in a city with a football team. I wanted to go to a Steelers game. On arriving in this crazy town, however, I learned that nearly all the seats are seasons tickets and most are renewed every year. In other words, I'll be watching on tv. Last week I watched the season opener at a local pub, and it was a great experience.

Steelers absolutely dominate sports talk around town. The Penguins, meanwhile, get more attention than the Pirates--and this while hockey isn't even in season. I've discovered that the most common reference to the latter is in the brunt of some joke. There are some benefits to this: the five dollars I'm spending to go to a Pirates game this weekend buys me a twenty dollar ticket, a t-shirt, a blanket, and ten dollars worth of concession/merchandise. The fans are paid to go to the games. No wonder Pittsburgh was voted "most livable city."

all sorts

one of the benefits of living in a city like Pittsburgh is the (variety of) people you encounter. there was the woman who shouted at me from across a four lane road asking for the time, then asked for a light. the not-so-sober Steelers fan in the pub who stood up during the fourth quarter and yelled at the whole establishment to "shut up and watch the game." the born-and-bred Pittsburgher I met during my morning riverside walk, who worked in the steel mills and knows that there are fish in the river "big enough to swallow a man." my aerial dancing neighbor with more body piercings than I care to know about. the varied bus drivers. the 50,000 people at CMU and Pitt who stand out from locals, and pronounce "Carnegie Mellon" Carnegie Mellon, rather than CarNEGie Mellon. the grocer who told me about his wife's pasta recipe. the landlady who talked a mile a minute and told me to get earmuffs before winter sets in.

all sorts. gotta love it.

Adventures in microwaves

1. I have a favorite coffee mug. It's from Westmont. It's pretty awesome.

And it has metal in the lining.

Somehow I had never actually put it in the microwave before. And I knew the color was copper. I just didn't think the material itself is copper.

2. Metal does not mix with microwaves. Basic physics.


1 + 2 =

and

Convenience

That's my fridge. And that's my car. And those are the groceries I just bought. That is amazing! The trunk is six feet from the fridge. I love it.

A good morning

6:30 alarm goes off
6:33 out the door
6:35 jaw drops

The pictures just don't do it justice. The mist on the river was mesmerizing.

 

Joy (part 1)

It was when I was happiest that I longed most...The sweetest thing in all my life has been the longing...to find the place where all the beauty came from.

- Til We Have Faces

We want something which can hardly be put into words--to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.

- The Weight of Glory

I get these quotes. I resonate with them. And I know--from experience, from thought, from people I trust--that I have the answer. And so I worship Him.

Custom bikes

So Urban Outfitters (I've never bought anything there) and Republic Bikes (nothing there either) teamed up to offer custom fixie bikes. I think that's a terrific idea. Of course, it caters all too closely to an overly-individualistic society, but alternately it's a a chance to be at least a little creative. I like it, anyway.

http://bikes.urbanoutfitters.com/

Motivation

At the biomedical engineering program at UCI, I was frustrated by how few students and faculty seemed to have a good motivation and reason for their studies and research. It was so disappointing to time and time again sit in a classroom and not be able to find a single compelling reason why the instructor was in BME. There were certainly exceptions among faculty and students alike...but it shouldn't be the exception. It should be why they are in the classroom in the first place. This is the field where people are trying to help burn victims, and the hundreds of thousands who are waiting for an organ donation, and anyone with any kind of physical disability, and those with combat injuries, and on and on and on. How can you be in this field and not even appear motivated? No act should be necessary: motivated people live out their motivation.

On Tuesday in biomaterials, we saw pictures a patient who was born without a skull. And today we saw pictures of soldiers from Iraq, a man who had been shot through the jaw, and a woman who had large portions of her hands and face blown off by a bomb while driving a humvee, and another who's thigh was gaping open, and another who's face could hardly be recognized as such. The professor was getting our attention: he showed us the pictures and told us to find solutions for these kinds of problems. Do the research, make it clinical, make it real. Millions of people around the world are waiting for solutions, longing to attain "normal" physiological function. And they won't have to wait as long if the universities and hospitals and companies working towards solutions are filled with people who understand the needs.

So thank you, Dr. H, for sharing with us students your motivation, and for living out an admirable career, and for training us to seek the same. I wish all my instructors could and would do that.

I recognize, too, that there are a lot of possible motivations. In writing this entry I certainly don't discount the researcher who is focused on discovery and basic science, rather than clinical developments.

One more thing: all of this, every last bit, is dependent upon God existing, and upon God being good. If He doesn't or if He isn't, no one on this planet is worth squat, and the above motivation goes right out the window. So praise be to the God who is good, defines what is good, shows us what is good, who healed the sick when He walked this earth, and who is the ultimate bioengineer.

Sunday afternoon drive in the country

I spent four hours on Sunday driving around, getting familiar with the landscape--geographical, historical, demographical, and otherwise. The pictures below are what I was able to photograph while trying not to compromise on my driving abilities. The only casualty was picture quality.

A civic building--the courthouse perhaps?

I have a desk. I love it. Simple and effective. This is the first time I've felt that I have sufficient and organized work space.

Outrageously pastoral. And timeless. And green. And beautiful.

Near an overlook on the river. The rail cars seem to be there permanently; an excellent reminder of remarkable legacy.

The high level bridge. My bus sits in that traffic.

My noble steed. Many thanks to Pennsylvania law for not requiring a front license plate; mine now sits in my garage. Now I just need to cover the two holes it left in the front bumper...

Next weekend is Labor Day weekend. Time for a longer trip. Suggestions?

A few photos

My apologies, faithful readers, for the absence of posts. As it turns out, moving to a new city, starting graduate school, and not having internet at home makes it rather difficult. At last, however, I offer a few pictures. This is (supposed to be) part one of a series chronicling my transition to a new life here in Pittsburgh. Enjoy!

August 10, 5:00am: departure. Mom and I drove out together.

I love driving. I love driving cross country. I love open roads. I love driving cross country on open roads. Through blazing sun and heat...

...through wind and rain.

A side trip to Lake Erie. A simply couldn't drive past without getting my feet wet. I was going to swim, until I got a closer look at the water.

First glimpse of Pittsburgh.

The High Level Bridge near my apartment. Note the barge.

Rivers are a new phenomena to me, at least, ones that aren't lined with concrete.

The river used to be completely lined with steel mills. This is one of many monuments to those mills left in place by whoever redeveloped the land.

My front door.

Doherty Hall, Carnegie Mellon University. I will be spending a lot of time here.

In the U-Haul, eating lunch outside Ikea.

Thanks for looking!

Status update

For all my avid fans:

- We (Mom and me) arrived in Pittsburgh on Thursday. The apartment I took sight-unseen was AWFUL, so I talked with the manager and broke the contract. I cannot begin to describe what a discouraging start this was to trying to settle in Pittsburgh.

- My current residence is a Holiday Inn.

- I'm moving to a new place on Wednesday.

- Today was spent taking my car in for necessary service and driving a U-Haul all over Pennsylvania. If you're ever looking for a way to relax, I do not recommend driving a U-Haul through Pittsburgh. But before the driving we parked in front of the old apartment to intercept packages I had ordered, before the disgruntled property manager could get her hands on them. Sitting in a utility van half the day spying over the windshield definitely made me feel like a crook ("Home Alone" style, perhaps).

- In my new apartment I have my own GARAGE; the true passage to manhood. All the idiot writers I read in high school said you have to kill something before you're a man. It's not true. You just need a garage. Inside I do not even have room for a dinner table (seriously. If you come to my place for dinner we will "recline" like in New Testament times) but in the garage I will have power tools, sports equipment, muscle car posters, and plenty of clutter.

- Last and most important, GOD IS GOOD!! This has been a less-than-ideal start to The Pittsburgh Experience, but God is always, always there whenever I turn to him--and all the rest of the time, too.

Best. Classes. Ever.

My schedule for the fall:

- Engineering molecular cell biology

- Introduction to polymer science and engineering

- Graduate surgery for engineers

Sweet.

Fast post

Scattered travel notes, writing from beautiful Middleofknowwhere Nebraska (and I mean beautiful- this state is amazing):

1. Utah is gorgeous. That stretch of I-70 ending at Green River is desolate and jaw dropping.

2. I have a brand spanking new crack through my windshield. Bummer.

3. Back entrances to hotels are invaluable for getting your bikes into your room discretely.

4. Dairy Queen is a life saver.

5. Jean-Luc (my car) performed valiantly carrying a heavy load and two bikes externally mounted over the Rockies...but I've never driven so slowly in my life.

Time for bed.

Richard

Goodnight, Irvine

I'm moving out of Irvine seven hours from now. Except for four years elsewhere, it has been the geographic location of home since I was a few days old. My parent's house will always be a place called home, but now I'm looking forward to making a new home in Pittsburgh. That endeavor begins tomorrow.

The car is packed. The check-list is checked. My room of 23 years is strangely empty. All the practical is taken care of. But whether I am ready- that is another matter altogether.

"Goodnight, fair well, and amen!"

Directive

On the brink of moving to Pittsburgh, I today read this word from God to Jeremiah:

"Get yourself ready! Stand up and say to them whatever I command you. Do not be terrified by them, or I will terrify you before them. Today I have made you a fortified city, an iron pillar and a bronze wall to stand against the whole land."

I take delight knowing that:

1. God is very, very good at getting our attention;

2. God's word is simultaneously terrifying and encouraging, and...

3. ...God's directions are intensely clear.

Overheard

J: I would have done terrible in Old Testament times.

R: How's that?

J: I don't know any curses!

Thoughts on packing

I'm trying to sort my worldly possessions into boxes, cheaply, quickly, compactly, and perhaps even entertainingly. My feeble cries denying (or at least denouncing) my own materialism have been stifled under a mountain of books, socks, coffee cups, and power adapters. The original plan to grab my french press and bike and jump in the car heading east has been replaced with organization, boxes, phone calls, and all other manner of responsibility that threatens to make my adventurous side revolt. Lesson: taking care of all that needs to be taken care of as I move to a new city and start a new phase in life is not so easy to pair with the creativity, risks, spontaneity, and adventure that is so essential to moving well...and enjoying it.

The end.

Moment in time

Here's random for you: yesterday afternoon I found myself wearing a hat, holding a cake, standing in front of a volcano, on a miniature golf course.

Done.

After 18 years of school, I just walked out of my last class, and breathed the free air.

This year was the equivalent of 17th grade. Five years of college is definitely enough.

And I'm already signed up for five more years. 

Hi, I'm from California

After church this morning, where I wore jeans and rainbows, I grabbed a smoothie and headed down to the beach--the Wedge (see http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jt7PtshK1AE&feature=related)--where I got some exercise and some sun. Then I drove on 2.59 a gallon gas to my suburban home, and got together eggs, sausage, orange juice, and coffee, and read the paper. Now I'm still drinking coffee and I'm watching the Lakers game.

tis a good day.

Pittsburgh 10

I wrote my last post right as I was transitioning from total discouragement to a smidgeon of excitement (over both of which conditions, I might add, God is sovereign and good). Here's a few of things of things I'm looking forward to in Pittsburgh:

1. Being a Tartan. The warriors were less than ingenious, the anteaters a curiosity, but Tartans- well. Thank you, Ana, for pointing the mascot out to me.

2. The Explorers Club. Based on the name, I was hoping it to akin to the Oxford University Exploration Club, which focused helping people get both ideas and funding for amazing trips all over the world. While that doesn't seem a fair comparison, they do go scuba diving. In Pennsylvania. Hm.

3. Being somewhere new. I've been waiting two years. I'm ready.

4. Cold. I've been waiting 23 years. Ok, maybe not quite that long. But I'm ready for real weather, along with...

5. ...Seasons

6. Moving to the other side of the country and still having access to Trader Joe's and REI. 'tis a mystery to me how people survived thousands of years (ok not the same people- you know what I mean) without them.

7. Starting Pittsburgh's first sailing club.

8. St. Paul Cathedral

9. Going to a place where I don't know anyone, and finding a group of believers with whom to worship.

10. Seeing more and more of God's faithfulness. Getting in to grad school has been one of the greater tests of faith in my life. God said to go to Pittsburgh; I'm excited to see why.

Eight

Eight months.

Eight schools.

Eight rejections.

Last August I changed my mind about taking time off after undergraduate and started working in earnest towards graduate school. The first months were spent figuring out what I wanted to devote myself to within bioengineering. Answer: neural tissue engineering. The next months were spent deciding which schools to apply to and completing applications (a nightmare of a task if there ever was one). Answer: UW, UPenn, UPitt, Harvard, Yale, Brown, Georgia Tech, and Carnegie Mellon, plus the National Defense Science and Engineering Fellowship. 

Your love endures forever.

On February 6, at 6:14PM, I was accepted to CMU. I was ecstatic- motivated and excited for grad school, confident in the next five years.

Your love endures forever.

In the two months since then, I have been turned down from every single other application I submitted. Eight letters saying Thanks but no thanks. Grad school apps are--apparently--a humbling experience. It has become most apparent that I am not in control of my future. This has been two of the most humbling months at the end of two of the most difficult years of my life, and I'm guessing it's exactly what I need(ed). A time of learning to say Thy will be done, of learning to walk palms up.

Your love endures forever.

Who knows, God still might have something else in mind. I wouldn't be surprised, because I'm (slowly) learning that He is, in fact, both sovereign and good. No matter where I am this fall, not matter what I'm studying or who I'm working with, it can be good. I'm (slowly) learning that when I offer something up to God, invariably it turns out good. Rarely easy, rarely what I wanted, rarely what I expected, but Good.

Your love endures forever.

As Bilbo once said, "I think I'm quite ready for another adventure."

Organic

Lately I've felt the urge for The Organic--for being outside, for being "close to nature." I'm not entirely sure what brought it on in the first place--possibly walking through Trader Joe's.--but I long to live rightly, to live as intended from the beginning. Knowing what that means, what that looks like, can be as hard as following through and living it out. Our vision is muddled.

A few unlooked-for urgings/longings/thoughts/satisfactions:

- Living on the water. I first started sailing in 6th grade, and there's no going back. I find myself incredibly content sailing around Newport harbor, propelled by the wind and suspended by water.

- Sitting. Outside. On the grass. Under trees. Try it.

- Eating foods as natural/not processed as possible. As much as I feel like I'm in an informercial saying this, it's true. 

- Recognizing that ugly things are manmade. Buildings, roads, cars, signs, pollution, fences, etc can all be incredibly ugly. Trees, oceans, mountains, deserts, weather are things of beauty. The only ugly animals I can think of are those with manipulated genetics (think chihuahua). Of course, buildings, cars, etc can be beautiful. They should be. 

- M favorite place in the world: on a peak in the Sierras, high above treeline, mountainside dotted with snow, air cold and clear and crisp, nothing man-made in sight, and no sounds but the wind and the marmots.

- Rain. I'm obsessed with it. Rainy days cheer me up. When it rains, I go outside. And if I have to study, I'll study in my car, where I can see the rain and hear the rain and (with the window down a crack) feel the rain.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for technology. I'm an engineer, for cryin' out loud. But it's no coincidence that I'm in a field (bioengineering) where the goal is to restore natural conditions, not manipulate them cyborg style. We lose some of our humanity when we become disconnected from nature. As such, this blog entry is not a rallying cry for everyone to ditch their clothes, hug a tree, and buy a Prius. It is a crying out for truth.

R

Le cyclisme